WREXHAM                 -European game
BOURNEMOUTH             -Potters Hols
BLACKPOOL               -Illuminations
WALSALL                 -Local derby
MACCLESFIELD            -Other local derby
YORK                    -History Weekend
MILLWALL                -London Sightseeing
WIGAN                   -Jump off the pier

Yesterday the world of football was rocked to its foundations when it was revealed that every single Stoke fan ever has failed a dope test. "Stoke fans are dopes. Of that there is no question" claimed Professor Fassbender of Newcastle Under Lyme college of further education and the performing arts. "They have consistently and knowingly spent thousands of pounds following the biggest bunch of donkeys this game has ever known."

The matter is further complicated following the appointment of Brain Little as their new manager. Many Stoke fans are now displaying symptoms of misplaced hope. "It's the famillies I feel sorry for" added Professor Fassbender. "They are left
to pick up the pieces every Saturday evening, just after tea." When asked if there was any chance of Stoke fans recovering from this addiction, Professor Fassbender was unsure. "That'll be fifteen pounds" he added.

(c) Gazetta Deano Sportivo

Sundays long awaited mass fight between Joke City and Man City fans was marred by a senseless bout of football we can reveal. The football served as a needless distraction to the main aim of the day which was punching and a kicking and a biting and a stomping.

There was no sign of the shocking scenes to come as fans from both teams exchanged blows throughout the morning. In one thrilling encounter outside a pub on the outskirts of the city, rival fans traded kicks and punches the timing and accuracy of which could only be marvelled at.

The trouble started at about 1.30pm when a small group of people representing both clubs, led, it seems, by a mysterious "man in black" emerged onto a pitch and started kicking a football around. They were totally oblivious to the fighting going on around them as if in some drug induced trance.

One clearly upset hooligan was quoted as saying "It was disgusting, this kind of behaviour shouldn't be tolerated in a modern society. At one stage I was just about to land a beautiful right hook when, out of the corner of my eye I saw this mindless moron control a 30 yard pass and then quickly turn his marker. It put me right off and my punch missed by a mile".

It seems this was not an isolated case. Local Police are believed to have photographic evidence of passing, shooting, tackling and even dribbling. Charges of "bringing the fight into disrepute" can be expected over the next few days. A Police spokesman said. "This kind of football playing behaviour poses a serious threat to our overtime payments and we will not rest until those responsible are brought to charge."

Jed Poxey, spokesman for Joke City held a press conference outside The Brittanic recycling plant where most of the football took place. "We, at Stoke City did everything we could to ensure that rival fans sat next to each other and were really looking forward to a good days fighting. This football behaviour is something we've been aware of for a long time now. We follow a strict policy of only employing talentless managers but still it seems, isolated incidents of football do break out. What else can we do?"

(c) Gazetta Deano Sportivo

Sid Little is the new boss of Stoke City we can exclusively reveal. It's believed Sid has already chosen his coaching staff which will consist of the straight men from 70's era club circuit comedy duo's. "I've chosen my coaching staff". Said Sid, earlier. "It will consist of straight men from 70's era club circuit comedy duo's. I've got Tommy Cannon  already confirmed and that git out of the Krankies should get back to me later today.

" Jed Poxey believes that today is an important day in the clubs history. "

"I believe today is an important day in the clubs history" he said. The real clincher for Sid is that he gets to do a song at the end of every home game without some hopeless Man City fan doing impressions of Deputy Dawg and ruining it all."

(c) Gazetta Deano Sportivo 

The world of football was rocked to it's foundations yesterday when it was revealed that an exhibition of madness and insanity is to be held at The Brittanic stadium. Local church leaders and businessmen have joined together to condemn the exhibition.

"There's quite enough lunacy going on at the Brittania already." Said Bishop Inatutu. "Local people have to put up with constant wailing and mass hysteria week in, week out."

Jed Poxey, Joke Citys spokesturd was quick to defend the exhibition. "The Brittania seemed like the ideal place.We've shown during the past year that we're well equipped in dealing with large numbers of the clinically insane. I've evennegotiated a special discount for Stoke season ticket holders. Every one who comes will be entered in a free prize draw where they get the chance to win a red and white striped straight jacket. People will even get the chance to meet Brain Little, our new manager, who will be at the exhibition in a scouting capacity."

(c) Gazetta Deano Sportivo

Brian Little (Pictured left) stated that size doesn't matter as the huge massive gigantic, enormous following of Joke City fans.looked on in total amazement as Little said ' As you can see I've got a little one here in my hand right now - there's no shame in that although the missus thinks differently.  I've tried telling her that it's massive but it just doesn't work all she says is 'who are you trying to kid' and then continues to laugh hysterically.'

'Just recently she's relegated me to the settee but I 'll continue to say it's massive and getting bigger all the time, in fact it's the biggest in Staffordshire although deep down I think you know as well as I know that time has taken it's toll and I'll never be the same as I was back in my heyday of  the 70's' 

For the first time ever though the Joke board of directors have made a lucrative coup.  Club mouthpiece Lord Poxey (pictured) says 'Now we are in the Second Division we have to cut our cloth accordingly, this has limited our search for a new sponsor. The added cost of buying new kit would not be funded by Joke City Council as they no longer wish to be associated with a bunch of no good losers but I'm glad to announce that Britannia Lard are the clubs new sponsors for the 98/99 relegation campaign and therefore supporters will only have to buy new kit when their present ones burst at the seams as is the norm. '

'In the past we have been criticised for being out of touch with you, our supporters who we really care about, but I'm sure you'll all agree that with our new sponsors all supporters will rejoice at this news and in turn have the chance to get as fat as myself.'

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